godhood is just like girlhood
by princesaevie
Summary: Sakura is a nice girl until she isn't. / or: after the land of waves, sakura gets the character development she deserved — sakura-centric, canon divergent au
1. a begging to be believed

**A/N**: this is a revised version of a fic i wrote when i was 17 except i like it now.

i'm drinking that "sakura was never actually a bad shinobi she was just written poorly and constantly being pushed into the background of fights for stupid ass reasons also her crush on sasuke was comp het and she was in love with ino" juice

title comes from kristin chang's churching

cw: implications of emotional child abuse, canon typical violence, very mild gore at the end

* * *

No one expects anything from civilian-born shinobi.

In theory — in the Academy, you had jumped at every chance you'd got your greedy little hands on to prove yourself. You had aced every written exam they let you touch. You had performed well in practical ones, your ninjutsu was backed by practically perfect chakra control, and your taijutsu skills had been soft but not _bad_.

Low stamina, below average chakra reserves — an unavoidable weakness of all civilian-bred shinobi, a bit boy crazed, but still, you had graduated with high marks. Not high for a civilian. High for even clan kids. You weren't the top kunoichi in your class — Ino was a much stronger fighter than you and she had a family who could help her perfect her ninjutsu, but you got closer than girls like you were supposed to.

(You swell with the kind of pride your mother calls unladylike when you remember that. There is a part of you that craves status and power and all the violent glory that comes with it. You've tried to kill it but it's always there, wrapped under your skin and pressed into your bones.)

Unable to even get close to a bell, unable to detect the genjutsu you'd been put in, and almost too selfish to share with Naruto but Kakashi-sensei had passed you in the end. You, Naruto, and Sasuke-kun were the first team Kakashi-sensei had ever passed. That had to mean _something_. You had to have some sort of reason to be a shinobi now, some potential to be great that maybe you never even noticed.

(Maybe something Ino saw?)

The kunai is trembling in your grip. Breathe, Sakura, you tell yourself. You are not a killer but you are prepared to die for this stupid, drunken bridge builder. Your heart burns between your ribs because you _hate_ him but it's your mission to protect him with your life. This is all you have to give, to prove that you are more than just a silly civilian girl.

You're going to be ripped to shreds by claws you can't see straight. Your sensei is dead, Naruto is useless, Sasuke-kun is the only one of you competent enough to do anything, and a scared twelve-year-old girl is all that stands between Tazuna-san and a shallow grave. Your fighting skills are okay at best, these shinobi were strong enough to tear your sensei into pieces, and all you have is a measly little kunai you can't hold steady.

The only logical ending to this situation is you dying and the only logical reason for your death is that your mother was _right_ and you are not cut out to be a shinobi.

(She'd clicked her tongue disapprovingly when you asked to be enrolled in the academy and said, "nice girls aren't shinobi, Sakura. You're a nice girl.")

You're too scared to even be sad about that and then — _oh_. Sasuke-kun is in front of you, prepared to kill because you can't. A part of you tells you you should be _happy_ that Sasuke-kun is risking his life for yours but the rest of you is crumpling under the realization that he doesn't even trust you to die right —

Kakashi-sensei has both attackers by the neck. He's alive and apologizing to Naruto and praising Sasuke-kun and you feel so _stupid_. You never feel stupid. Not like this. "Sakura did good too," he hums it like an afterthought. Like that's all you are in comparison to Naruto and Sasuke-kun.

(There's no potential to be seen, you realize. There is a reason no one expects anything from civilian-born shinobi.)

Sasuke-kun wasn't risking his life for yours. He was thinking of Tazuna-san, of the mission, and of how pathetic he knows you are. He saw you shake in the wind with a flimsy tool you are not at all prepared to use and he knew you would fail the mission if he didn't intervene.

You are weak. You are small. You are pathetic.

The only comforting thought you have now is that at least Naruto did less than you. It's ironic. A little bit sad too. You wasted all those years looking down on him for goofing off in class and being such an idiot and now you realize you're just _barely_ better than him. He was dead last in everything and you're just barely scraping by. Your grades mean nothing. You have no point of contention.

Kakashi-sensei has been talking this whole time you've been drowning in this miserable line of thought. He's saying something you only half hear about Naruto's hand and the poison in your attackers' claws and how Tazuna-san isn't supposed to have shinobi after him. About how that puddle — the one you saw, the one you _ignored_ because it was nothing — was how he knew you were about to be ambushed.

It's like something deep inside you curls up to die.

You're not even smart. You were supposed to at least have _brains_. You were supposed to be the common sense to relieve Naruto's stupidity and Sasuke-kun's arrogance.

Maybe you're even worse than Naruto.

"This mission should have been a B-rank," sensei drawls, "I'm sure you had some noble reason to lie, but the problem is, Tazuna-san, we are now operating outside of our duties. Faulty information is deadly, you know." His visible eye spares you a glance, as though offering to let you run away now.

You're a _nice girl_, who does as she's told when she's told so, naturally, you take his offer immediately. "Sensei, we're not ready for this mission, so let's quit! We need medicine for Naruto's hand anyway, a medic should look at it. He could die!" Your voice comes out much more logical and sound than you feel. You barely even feel guilty for disguising your cowardice as concern. It's not entirely a lie anyway. Naruto really could die and even if you don't like him, you don't want him dead.

Kakashi-sensei's expression doesn't change as he hums in Naruto's direction, toying with what you've said. "Maa, this might be too much," he agrees, glancing up at the sky, "Sakura-chan has a point, we should probably return to the village. For Naruto's sake."

Your stomach drops. It wasn't a real way out. He was _baiting_ you to push Naruto into doing something. He _knew_ you were weak enough to want to go back. He saw through all your faux bravado. Those were his expectations of a civilian-born shinobi, and you met them perfectly.

Naruto buries his kunai deep in his hand before anyone can speak. You can barely see it with his back turned to you but somehow that's even worse. His blood is gushing out of the wound and you swear he's twisting the blade even deeper.

"Why am I always so different!?" He yells, his knuckles turning a sickly white.

"Wha — Naruto, what are you _doing_?" You choke out.

It's like he doesn't even hear you. "I should be getting stronger ev'ry day! After all our missions, after all my training! Every damn day I work so hard!" He growls, low in his throat. His grip on the kunai gets even tighter with each word out of his mouth, "I'm not gonna need saving again! I'm not gonna be scared and try to run again! I won't _ever_ lose to Sasuke! I swear it on the pain in my left hand! With _this_ kunai, I'll protect the old man!" Turning around brazenly, he grits his teeth hard. "We're continuing the mission."

There's a beat, and your head is so dizzy from watching. Your pulse is inexplicably screaming in your ears in the absence of Naruto's voice. Part of you almost admires him for it. It was so, so stupid, but that kind of ambition is so...

Kakashi-sensei reminds Naruto that, "while getting the poison out of your system is good, blood loss can kill you."

Naturally, Naruto freaks out.

Naturally, you berate him for it.

(And you choke on the newfound knowledge that Naruto is a better shinobi than you.)

* * *

You tell yourself it will be different now that you're actually in the Land of Waves. You tell yourself last time was a fluke — that it was nothing but first fight jitters. You tell yourself Naruto couldn't _possibly_ be above you because if he was, he would've had the grades to back it up.

You're not weak. You're not small. You're not pathetic.

It takes twenty-two minutes for you to be proven wrong.

The facts are scattered around your head: Momochi Zabuza, a missing-nin, Jounin level, on par with Kakashi-sensei, here to kill you all. _This time_, you're sure you will die. That sheer terror is aching somewhere in your throat, behind your pulse and your logic and your bravado.

Kakashi-sensei orders you all to guard Tazuna-san in manji formation. He swears he'll handle it and even as you recognize that he has the Sharingan in one eye — something he most definitely should not have — all you can think that you are going to die.

Your thirteenth birthday is in two days and you are staring death in the eye. You're not even doing it bravely. Of everything you learned in the Academy, you never learned how to be brave.

They cannot make you something you aren't.

The mist is swallowing you whole. Kakashi-sensei is explaining, calmly and logically, why you feel so certain that you'll die like that makes it better. He tells you about Zabuza's perfected killing technique and how he is going to be first targeted to make killing the rest of you easier. "Be careful," he adds once he's done, "I can't use the sharingan perfectly so you have to watch out for yourselves as well."

"Eight choices," Zabuza is toying with you now like a child playing with his meal, "liver, lungs, spine, subclavian vein, neck vein, brain... which one should I go after?"

Mentally placing each point on your own body, you swallow the bile rising in your throat. You can feel Sasuke-kun trembling beside you and it only hallows you out even more. You don't try to steady your shaking legs this time. Instead, you hope to God that Naruto is at least holding up after his promise.

The three of you need to protect Tazuna-san. You need to complete your mission. You begged for a chance at this mission. Now it's your duty and if you all die...

"Sasuke, there's no need to worry," Kakashi-sensei smiles charmingly beneath his mask, "I'll protect you all. Even if it kills me — I won't let my comrades fall."

You believe him. You believe him. You believe him until Zabuza is behind you, ready to bring his blade down through your body like it's nothing.

Kakashi-sensei shoves you all out of the way into safety. Swiftly, he stabs Zabuza without remorse and — _oh_, it's a water bunshin. And so is Kakashi-sensei? You're too frightened to rationalize any of this. All you know is you, Naruto, and Sasuke-kun are somehow all alive. You hadn't realized you weren't breathing until now.

You barely process the fact before Kakashi-sensei is suddenly prisoner to Zabuza.

Zabuza, the man _laughing_ at you all. Like this whole fight is a joke and all any of you are is a punchline. This is all meaningless to him. Killing you will be like squashing a bug.

"Wearing hitai-ate... acting like shinobi... ha, a real ninja is someone who has come close to death so many times, it doesn't faze him. When you brats are good enough to be in my bingo book, then you can call yourselves shinobi. But now? To call _children_ like you shinobi is a joke," he chuckles, his words too scathing for his even tone.

He's right. You're not a shinobi, you're barely even a Genin. You're _useless_. Nothing but dead weight.

Even as his bunshin disappears into his mist, Zabuza sees right through all your bravado and all your lying. He sees what you really are, no matter how much you wish he didn't.

His bunshin knocks Naruto's hitai-ate clean off, as though he doesn't even deserve to wear it. As though _none of you_ deserve to wear them.

When Kakashi-sensei yells at you all to run and you consider it, you know that you_ don't_ deserve to wear your hitai-ate. As much emphasis as your sensei has put on teamwork, as clearly as you thought you had understood him, you still want to run and leave him to die. To complete the mission or... or so you'll live?

Naruto doesn't let you find out. He's up again, ranting about how he won't run away and then — he charges at Zabuza, head on and teeth bared. You think you scream after him, lecture him maybe, but it happens too fast for you to know.

You don't see it until he's getting up after being knocked down again. His hitai-ate. Was it really so important to him?

"Hey! You eyebrow-less freak," he growls, his grip on it tightening, "put this in your bingo book. The man who'll become Hokage..." Naruto picks now to smile, stupid as ever, and puts his hitai-ate back where it _belongs_, "his name is Uzumaki Naruto!"

Something churns in your gut. You don't want to name it but it's burning your whole body up.

(It's a mixture of envy that nice girls aren't supposed to feel and admiration that must be misplaced, because you would never admire someone like _Naruto_.)

"Sasuke, listen up," Naruto says, eyes still locked on where Zabuza has Kakashi-sensei trapped.

"What is it?" Sasuke-kun asks, his voice calm.

Naruto looks back to Sasuke-kun with a weird determination that somehow matches the situation but looks completely wrong on his dumb, goofy face, "I have a plan."

You barely hear Sasuke-kun scoff over the pounding in your head. A plan. Naruto of all people has a plan, one that he's not even trying to include you on. The heat in your stomach intensifies and you realize that despite everything you've ever been told about how you're supposed to feel and behave, you're angry. Furious even. Your own comrades are willing to just leave you out of the loop like this, in the heat of battle. They have so little faith in you that they would —

"What are you doing!?" _Kakashi-sensei_. Maybe he'll reprimand Naruto and Sasuke-kun for being so willing to leave you out like this. "Run away! This fight ended the _moment_ I was caught! The mission is to protect Tazuna-san, did you forget that!?"

There are more pressing issues than your hurt feelings. You'd almost forgotten.

"Well, this is my fault. I can't tell you not to fight for your sensei now, I guess. I'm sorry then, fight as much as you want," Tazuna-san is talking to Naruto and Sasuke-kun. He says it in your general direction but you can see it in how doesn't meet your eyes. He looks right past you at them like you aren't even _there_.

You're a _nice girl_. You do as you're told, so, even without them saying it, you place yourself in front of Tazuna-san, kunai drawn as though you'd be able to do anything with it. You're one more body for Zabuza to cut down. This is all you can do and if you don't do it, all you are is a burden to the mission.

(More so than you are now.)

* * *

After the fight is over and you have done nothing but watch with hungry, terrified eyes, you offer to lug Kakashi-sensei to Tazuna-san's house. Naruto and Sasuke-kun both look at you like you're insane.

"Ne, ne, Sakura-chan, you can't carry him!" Naruto gapes, "it's not right to make a girl carry a fat-ass like Kakashi-sensei! I'll do it, dattebayo!"

"Naruto's right," Sasuke-kun grunts, "you'd just drop him anyways, let us do it."

You want to snap back at them. You want to snarl and tell them that if they can do the fighting, the least you can do is carry Kakashi-sensei. You want to scream at them for looking down on you so much. There are a dozen things you want to do right now—

"Oh, um, okay, Sasuke-kun..." You don't do any of them. Not even a little bit. Not even at all.

Later, you'll ask yourself why and the only answer you find you can give is that you weren't supposed to, because you're a _nice_ _girl_. Even if you felt mean and angry and savage. Even if those feelings are still clawing at your insides to find a way out. Everyone has always told you what a nice girl you are. You can't disappoint them now.

(Not even if it disappoints you.)

* * *

When sensei wakes up, he tells you that Zabuza is still alive and that tracker-nin wasn't a tracker-nin at all. The logical response is for him to train you all more before they can strike again. Somehow, him saying that makes you feel more ashamed than if he'd singled you out.

You do better than Naruto and Sasuke-kun _both_ in the no-hands tree climbing exercise and, for a moment, you feel on top of the world. Even if it seems little, it's something you do better than them. Much better, it seems by the abysmal progress Naruto has made and the tiny fraction Sasuke-kun has climbed by the time they all notice you've climbed to the top already. You're bruiseless and pristine as you look down at them and giggle.

"Maa? It seems the one with the best chakra control is the _kunoichi_," sensei chirps.

You should be happy. It's _praise — _the first real bit of it you've gotten from him too. Something in you sinks anyway. Before you even notice Sasuke-kun bow his head in frustration at the fact that you did better than him — and, really, is it so _freaking_ hard for him to accept that you could be better than him at something? Shouldn't your _teammate_ be happy for you? — you can't help but burn.

Kunoichi.

Kakashi-sensei had singled out that you were a _kunoichi_. He couldn't have just praised you for being better. He had to tie into it that you were better than them and a _girl_. Like you weren't supposed to be better than them.

Oh.

You weren't supposed to be better than them. Not just because you're the weak one, the one who couldn't do anything to help save sensei, because they're boys and you're _not_. Your nails dig into your palm. How had you forgotten? You were never supposed to be better than boys at something. For the sake of their egos and for the dynamic between men and women, you were supposed to be just a little bit worse. A little bit weaker, a little bit smaller, a little bit lesser.

("Boys are fragile, Sakura, sometimes... sometimes you have to let them win. Even if you're better than them, you have to be considerate of them, okay?" An expectant look.

You weren't allowed to disagree.

"Okay, kaa-san, I'll be nice to them.")

You bow your head as Kakashi-sensei twists your accomplishment into nothing but a reason for Naruto and Sasuke-kun to improve. That's all your accomplishments will ever be; fuel to their fires. Watching them both psyche themselves up to do better than you had, you wonder if maybe that's all _you'll_ ever be.

You know that you were put onto Team 7 as a buffer for them. You were the middle grounds between Sasuke-kun's top marks and Naruto's place as dead last, the bit of extra weight to keep the scale from tipping. All things to help _them_ out and to make training _them_ easier for Kakashi-sensei.

So where does that put you? As an afterthought to Sasuke-kun's genius and Naruto's stupidity? As just someone to fill out the need for a three man squad? As their moral support?

Had the Hokage even spared _you_ a thought when putting Team 7 together?

Had he done the same to every kunoichi? Were you all just buffers for the boys? Were Ino and Hinata being reduced to the same status as you, or did the Hokage actually care about them since they both came from respected clans?

"Maa, Sakura-chan, could you go guard Tazuna-san?" He asks with a smile and you want nothing more than to punch it off of him.

You don't. You can't.

* * *

A man _touches_ you while you're escorting Tazuna-san around town. You see red, so you kick his face in.

* * *

You see Zabuza again shortly after Naruto and Sasuke-kun have both managed to climb their trees. Naruto is still out cold from exhausting himself. Sasuke-kun is here to take on the fake tracker-nin. Kakashi handles Zabuza.

Despite both threats being kept busy, you're instructed to guard Tazuna-san. "From what?" you want to ask. Instead, you draw your kunai like you're prepared to use it. Another thin lie.

When the fight goes wrong, all you can do is hurl a kunai at the ice mirrors the fake tracker-nin — Haku, you think his name is — has trapped Sasuke-kun in. It does nothing at worst. It poses a mild inconvenience for the enemy at best. A bitter reflection of what you've done for this mission.

Before you can even reflect on that, Naruto is there. Kakashi-sensei doesn't ask him to protect Tazuna-san with you so, once again, Naruto is doing more than you. He's reckless and idiotic as ever but he's at least taking some initiative. You can't help but envy him and Sasuke-kun right now. They're bleeding and being battered but they're doing _something_. Anything. Even if it seems futile.

Your envy dies with Sasuke-kun.

Naruto punches Haku through his own kekkei genkai for it. And you? You tremble. You shake so bad Tazuna-san feels _sorry_ for you and takes your hand in his. He tells you he'll go over to Sasuke-kun's corpse with you so you won't be disobeying your sensei. Your legs move without you telling them to, finding Sasuke-kun through the haze of this all.

The sight of him makes you fall to your knees. He's bloodied and ruined and cold. Like _ice_. The feeling of how cold he is hurts. You don't know why it's hurting you when he's the one who died. The one who can never do anything again. Never get his revenge. Never restore his clan. Never do anything he wanted to. He's never even going to get to turn thirteen now. The realization of how _young_ he is, how young you all are, breaks your heart.

Zabuza was right. You're all just kids.

"Don't mind me, Sakura," Tazuna-san says gently, "you — you should let it out and cry."

Shinobi aren't supposed to cry.

"I... in the Academy, I always scored 100% on my exams..." saying it makes you feel numb, "I memorized over a thousand shinobi sayings... I always wrote the correct answer — _always_..." you let a breathy little laugh out at that. You can't believe it now. Someone as pathetic as you did so well in _theory_. "There was a test question once: 'write down shinobi saying #25,' so I answered as usual," your voice doesn't break. Your voice stays as even as it can be right now.

_You_ don't. You can feel the tears burning at your eyes and you _can't_ blink them back. There is no being strong now. You aren't a shinobi. You may wear the hitai-ate and be on a three-man — _two-_man, now—squad and go on missions but you're certain now that it's not that Naruto is a better shinobi than you, or that Sasuke-kun _used_ to be a better shinobi than you. It's that you simply _aren't_. You're a kunoichi. You're fragile and vulnerable and too emotional and not cut out to be a shinobi.

All you'll ever be is a silly little civilian girl playing pretend.

The realization makes your breath catch. You hiccup through shinobi saying #25, "no matter what the situation..." you can't breathe. You can't breathe and neither can Sasuke-kun — your crush, your friend, your _comrade_. "A shinobi must keep their emotions on the inside..." you don't know how you've fallen apart so fast and you can't even berate yourself for it. This _hurts_ too much. It hurts more than anything you've ever known. "You must make the mission your top priority a — and you must never show tears."

Your eyes bleed tears.

You sob until the fight is over and the enemy is dead and the entire town has shown up to fight back. You sob until Sasuke-kun wakes up. You sob in vain.

All that your sobbing does is prove to everyone, to you and to your sensei and to your comrades, that you are not a shinobi.

You are weak. You are small. You are pathetic.

* * *

The last thing you'd wanted upon arriving home was to be asked if you wanted to take part in the Chūnin Exams. All you want is to hide in your room and never come out and face your comrades again. You couldn't swallow your shame the whole trip back to the village. You might choke on it.

You don't want to choke on it. You want to get better. _Stronger_.

You're a fast learner. You start with genjutsu like Kakashi-sensei said you might be good at. You check out books on taijutsu and genjutsu and you devour them. Then you head to the training grounds.

You know that you're weak. You know that you don't have a kekkei genkai or crazy chakra reserves or a big dream in life. You know that you come from generations of civilians and that nobody expects you to achieve higher than Chūnin rank, if even that. You know that your parents believe in you even less than your team does. You know that not even Iruka-sensei has ever believed you'll do more than be a paper ninja. You know this won't change any of that and you know that it won't catch you up to Naruto or Sasuke-kun and that _nice girls_ like you aren't supposed to get strong anyway.

Your mother has told you a million times that boys don't like muscles on girls.

This time, none of that stops you. This time, you don't even care what boys like or want from you. For the first time, this is about you as a _person_, not a future wife or Naruto and Sasuke-kun's cheerleader. This is about _you_.

(You wonder briefly how you've gone thirteen years without it once being about you.)

Determined to make every second of training count, you take a deep breath and think. What do you know that you're good at it and what do you need to improve at?

You take a deep breath and dive into fixing yourself. You hit harder than you look like you should and, while you've been either too scared to act on them or you'd be disobeying orders if you did, you do have good instincts. More than that, you're smart, a natural strategist, and you've been told how good your chakra control is since you were in the Academy.

But you're not as strong as your teammates, you don't know more than the standard Academy jutsus, and you fall back too much on theory and form instead of trusting your gut. You know that. That's what gives you the idea.

The first chakra infused punch you try dents the training log. You've punched those things a _lot_ while you were blowing off steam that you weren't supposed to harbor but never in your life have you _dented_ one. It's better than any hint of praise you've ever gotten from Iruka-sensei or Kakashi-sensei or anyone who was supposed to be molding you into a shinobi.

"Shannaro!"

The second makes the dent a bit bigger. Then the third and the fourth and the fifth.

The sixth punch turns your dent into a hole.

You stop by the twentieth punch, not wanting to get any more splinters in your knuckles and decide to invest in gloves.

* * *

When the time comes, you find yourself running to the spot you, Naruto, and Sasuke-kun agreed to meet up at. If either of them notice your gloves or the bags under your eyes, they don't comment on them. The indifference stings but you don't blame them. You were useless before your last mission and you're useless now.

* * *

You're so busy curling and uncurling your fists to adjust to the feeling of your gloves that you don't even catch the genjutsu around the door.

Sasuke-kun knows this. You're sure he does because you've always been so annoying about when you know something everyone else doesn't, but he still smirks with some misplaced pride as he nods to you and says, "Sakura, you must have noticed it first, right? You're easily the sharpest person on our team, after all."

With a slight giggle, you smile cutely like you know you're supposed to because you're a girl and it's what your mother tells you to do and agree, "of course, even Naruto could tell you this is only the second floor!"

Naruto catches the insult but hums along anyway, "mm, it was obvious, 'ttebayo."

One of the boys who'd been guarding the door weighs this exchange. He takes a step closer, something in him itching for violence. "Not bad but still, all you did was see through it!"

It happens like this:

He goes for a kick, hard and fast. Sasuke-kun does the same. Some boy, barely older than you is between them in an instant, catching both of their legs midair. A boy you _know_ was on the ground just seconds ago.

This time, your fingers curl instinctively, a shudder jolting down your spine. You can't believe how _fast_ he is. You are wildly unprepared for this but you are starving for a chance to prove that you are _more_. A boy like this could be that chance.

His team doesn't share your awe. A long haired boy with white eyes — a Hyūga, you're sure — scoffs irritably. "What happened to the plan? You're the one who said we shouldn't draw attention to ourselves." His scowl is jarringly similar to Sasuke-kun's.

"Well..." the first boy flushes, glancing at you.

Their team's kunoichi buries her head in her palms at this. "Oh no," her groan contradicts the soft smile on her lips as she shakes her head.

He walks up to you more boldly than you're entirely comfortable with. You wonder if maybe he sees the bags under your eyes or the fresh bruises littering your arms for what they are. For an exhilarating moment, you let yourself believe he thinks of you as real competition.

"My name is Rock Lee. Yours is Sakura, right?"

Trying to keep the anticipation off your face, you nod.

"Please be my girlfriend! I'll protect you until I die!"

Your whole body burns. Why would he ever see you as competition? You're a girl. A weak, useless girl who's spent too much time trying to look good and not enough time training to be better. He sees you the same way Naruto and Sasuke-kun and Kakashi-sensei and _everyone_ does — as something to be protected and kept away from all the glory of violence.

The knowledge that that's what you've been makes you reject him. _Harshly_. You're mean and vicious and it feels _good_. Your mother would reprimand you if she found out but somehow, that makes it all the more satisfying. You haven't been this happy since Kakashi-sensei passed you all.

Smiling, you take Naruto and Sasuke-kun's hands in yours and you pull them to the real third floor.

* * *

Rock Lee hits on you again. Then he fights Sasuke-kun.

He wins, and it shakes you to your core.

* * *

You get a good thirty seconds to take in the competition before Ino jumps Sasuke-kun. She gushes over him with her arms wrapped around his neck before she notices. "Eh? Forehead, since when do you wear gloves? What do you even need them for?"

Naruto glances down at your hands like he hadn't even realized you were wearing gloves until Ino said that. Sasuke-kun doesn't react. You burn a little less, knowing Sasuke-kun noticed. Naruto is just unobservant.

"I need them so I don't hurt my hands punching your ugly face in, Ino-pig," you growl back.

"Wha — who's punching whose face in, Billboard Brow!? You couldn't beat me if you tried!"

That shouldn't be over the unspoken line you and Ino have. She's probably said much worse to you and you've probably said much worse right back. But somehow, maybe because she's right or maybe because of everything that's happened, Ino saying that is worse than every nasty thing the two of you have ever said to each other. It burns at you in a way her making fun of the size of your forehead or even the color of your hair never has. In the same way being told you would just drop Kakashi-sensei had.

Thankfully, the rest of Ino's team, Shikamaru and Chōji, interrupt before you can _actually_ throw a punch at her. Just like everyone else (everyone but Ino, at least), they're not interested in you in the slightest.

Neither is Kiba, or Shino, or even Hinata.

Neither is the annoying older boy, Kabuto-san, who's failed six times who walks up to you all to tell you to shut up.

Neither are the Oto-nin who throw a punch at him that he dodges that still messes him up.

(Your mother would ask what you expected.)

* * *

The first exam is a written one and you're almost excited because theory is where you have _always_ excelled.

Except there are way too many rules for this test and one of them is that you're being graded as a team and you know Naruto will drag you and Sasuke-kun down. Even worse, the questions are difficult even for you and you're being watched by twenty-something Chūnin with eyes like hawks prying for anyone dumb enough to get caught cheating.

You take a second to pray that Naruto won't try to cheat and get points docked off and then your wrist is twisting out answers. It's hard but you manage and you know you're right. You've never been wrong on a test before.

The tenth question is straight out of hell.

If you can't answer it correctly, you're a Genin for _life_, but if you opt to not answer it, your entire team fails. You have faith that you and Sasuke-kun can both answer it and you could live with being a Genin for life if by some horrible fluke, you get it wrong. You would rather that than let your team down.

But what about Naruto?

If he doesn't answer it right, could he ever even become Hokage like he's always going on about?

The thought makes your heart _ache_ for him. Becoming Hokage — becoming somebody the people in this village respect — means _everything_ to Naruto. You've seen that look in his eyes when he talks about it. It's like nothing else could _ever_ matter more to him.

Your hands are trembling just thinking about it. Even worse than when you held that kunai in front of Tazuna-san. You can't let Naruto lose that dream of his. He _has_ to achieve it. There's no other option for Naruto and... and you don't think you could ever accept anyone else as your next Hokage.

Look at you, getting all worked up over Naruto. He was always such a nuisance to you, always saying insensitive things and managing to treat you like glass while he did it too. Even in the Academy you'd never liked him. He was a beacon for trouble. He'd been funny though. He was loud and brash — still is — but he'd made you laugh more times than you care to admit.

And now you can see him shaking. But he's not raising his hand to opt out of the question. He's willing to throw his dream away, for the sake of the team.

You can't let him do that to himself.

Before you can raise your hand to quit for him though, he slams down on the desk and goes on one of his stupid speeches about how he's never going to give up, no matter how bad the odds are and how even if he does fail, he'll still be the Hokage somehow.

It makes you wanna cry a little bit, actually. You had no idea you cared about him like this.

People stop raising their hands to quit. The proctor ends the test and tells you that decision you all just made _was_ the tenth question, and that staying was the right answer.

He says you were _supposed_ to cheat. That the questions were meant to be too hard for any Genin to answer on their own, forcing you to figure out who had the answers and how you could gather the intel.

You wonder if that means you're the only Genin here who answered them all on your own. You wonder if Sasuke-kun used his Sharingan to cheat or if Naruto even answered a single question besides the final one. It occurs to you that, for the first time since tree climbing, you might have done the best out of your squad.

You go into the second exam, with an even crazier proctor, swelling with the kind of pride your mother calls unladylike. The part of you that craves status and power and the glory of violence roars. You don't try to kill it this time.

* * *

It starts like this:

Naruto tries to pee in front of you like you aren't a girl so you thump him and make him go into the bushes to pee. He comes back talking about how he wrote his name in it.

You're too grossed out to realize it's not him.

Sasuke-kun does and so he engages in combat immediately. By the time he's explained it's an imposter, not Naruto, it's too late for you to inject yourself into the fight. You stand there watching, reduced to your usual role of cheerleader. Here you are, burning up without a fire extinguisher in sight. You were dumb enough to let yourself think you might be better now and you're _still_ on the sidelines with hungry, terrified eyes.

It gets worse like this:

Sasuke-kun comes up with a password for you and Naruto to remember — Naruto _can't_ because the boy has the attention span of a goldfish — so you can verify you're the real you. Some Kusa-nin overhears and uses a henge to disguise herself as Naruto. Sasuke-kun knows it's not Naruto because Naruto could never have memorized the password so Sasuke-kun engages immediately. The Kusa-nin uses some sort of genjutsu to show you how your death will look and taste and feel. You both freeze. Sasuke-kun stabs himself, grabs you, and runs. You know now that this is _nothing_ like when you fought Zabuza.

Naruto charges in, alive, alive, alive — you think your heart starts beating again. He slams his fist into Sasuke-kun's face for being a coward and trying to bargain your scroll for your lives. Almost immediately afterwards, he's knocked out and thrown like _nothing _even though you know he is so much more than nothing. You manage to _do_ something and save him from falling to his death with a kunai. And then, for you think the first time in your life, you yell at Sasuke-kun for being such a coward because Naruto was _right_.

But the Kusa-nin turns out to not be a Kusa-nin. He's Orochimaru, one of the Legendary Sannin, and you can't even be mad at yourself for not doing anything because he's one of the _Legendary Sannin_ and there's no way you or Sasuke-kun or Naruto or even Kakashi-sensei could take him head on like this. You're only alive right now because Orochimaru wanted you alive.

And then you're mad at yourself again because Sasuke-kun is writhing in pain after Orochimaru sinks his teeth into the crook of his neck and Naruto is out cold and you couldn't do anything to _save_ them.

Naturally, because you still aren't a shinobi, you cry for them both.

* * *

You're _beyond_ exhausted. You've been up for at least thirty hours straight now and the whole time you've been setting up traps to protect your boys and doing everything you can to ease the pain Sasuke-kun is in and to try to wake him and Naruto up. You have no time to rest and restore your chakra reserves. Your bones are brick and your body is almost limp but you can't take a nap or go find food until at least one of them wakes up.

You don't even have the energy to be mad at yourself for letting this happen. You do, however, have the energy to hurl a kunai at a squirrel that gets too close to your decoy trap.

Then you feel your eyelids fall shut. And they won't open. Or you're too tired to open them. Not until — "what kind of lookout are you? You're half asleep."

You twist around, kunai drawn and eyes blinking into a hazy awareness, in a heartbeat.

"Calm down, girl, we don't care about you. Just wake Sasuke-kun up for us. We want to fight him." The Oto-nin. Orochimaru had warned you they would come for Sasuke-kun. The thought twists your hands into jagged fists. If they think you'd just hand him over, they're dead wrong.

(Kakashi-sensei's voice rings in your ears, "those who would leave their comrades behind are worse than scum.")

"Like I would ever," you growl, "why does Orochimaru want you to fight him anyway!? And what are those bruises on his neck!?"

Their eyes widen like they hadn't known about Sasuke-kun's condition. It only makes you burn more. These goddamn savages don't get to play innocent when your teammates are hurt like this.

"You... you sick people did this to him and now you want to fight him while he's _injured_!? Don't you have any integrity!? I — I won't let you lay a hand on Sasuke-kun!" Or Naruto, you promise yourself.

You're starting to realize just how much you actually care about these boys.

(Enough to die for them?)

One of the Oto-nin laughs at you. "Now that you've run your mouth, we won't be letting you go either. Dosu, Kin, I'll kill this girl before we kill Sasuke."

Your teeth grit and you hold your kunai even tighter. It's trembling in your grip but it's not from fear. You're so angry it's sending ripples through you. You won't let them lay a single hand on either of your boys. You may not be a shinobi, you may not even be strong, but you are _not_ scum and you will _not_ let your comrades die. Not today or any other day.

(In a heartbeat.)

"Zaku, don't be so reckless," the one with gauze around his face tsks.

A blanch. "Huh? Why not?"

"She's not as clever as she thinks, grass would only be in this area if she moved it to disguise a trap. Don't you know, _girl_?" The way he says that, says that you're a _girl_, makes your blood boil. "Booby traps are pointless if they're not well hidden. We'll go over it then."

The three of them jump into the air like you'd figured any good shinobi would.

You cut through the rope you'd strung the log up on. It comes rushing down at them.

"Huh, you thought about that then. No matter," he says coolly, blowing the giant log to pieces, "you'd think someone with so little talent would work harder. Don't you know that someone like you needs to work ten times harder to win against people like us?"

(Painfully, you hear your mother's voice, berating you for your dreams. "Nice girls like you shouldn't become shinobi, Sakura, what good would you even be at it? Fighting all those boys... even the other girls would be stronger than you.")

There are tears in your eyes, threatening to spill out, and your knuckles are turning white beneath your gloves.

You're useless. You're _still_ useless. You're _always_ going to be useless. Naruto and Sasuke-kun would've been better off if you'd never even tried to become a shinobi, then they'd have someone actually competent on their team to protect them right now, or maybe even someone who wouldn't have let it get to this in the first place. Someone like Ino, someone who manages to be _both_ a kunoichi and a shinobi, a girl and a warrior, without one lessening the other.

They deserve so much better than what you can give them.

"Leaf hurricane!"

_Lee_.

"In that case, you guys should also work harder!" It's Lee. He's standing here to protect you and your boys because you can't and you don't know if you should feel grateful for it or be angry that you look like you _need_ protecting.

"Who are you?" Dosu growls.

"The handsome devil of the Hidden Leaf, Rock Lee!" He says it with such conviction that you almost believe him.

"Wh — why are you here, Lee-san?" You want him to say anything but "so I can protect you." You want him to say he's here to help you fight them because he knows you couldn't possibly take three shinobi on at once. You want him to believe that you aren't weak, even if you know you are.

He doesn't.

He tells you that he will always appear if you're in trouble. He doesn't say "to protect you" but you know that he means it because not _once_ in your life has a boy ever believed you don't need to be protected. Not _once_ in your goddamn life has a boy ever believed you were equal to them and even though a part of you is relieved he's here because you know you're no match for these Oto-nin, it's making you seethe.

You thank him anyways.

"I said it before, Sakura-san, I will protect you until I die."

You wish boys knew when they should just shut up.

Determined to do something in this, no matter how small, you chuck a kunai at that Dosu guy. He dodges it comfortably and you're sure Lee-san thinks you're even more useless than he did before now.

"Sakura-san, it's okay, you're exhausted. You should rest while I handle this. I will be fine, do not worry about me!" He says it as reassuringly as Kakashi-sensei had promised not to let you die. It only makes your shoulders tense as you watch him use that move he'd tried to use on Sasuke-kun when they'd sparred. You're tired and angry and scared and now you're in complete and total awe. You hadn't realized just how _strong_ he was.

He's not strong enough.

Zaku manages to break Dosu's fall just in time to save him.

"Haa, what a terrifying technique... even with this soft dirt to break my fall... he almost killed me," Dosu muses, "what a shame it's my turn now."

He rushes at Lee-san and you remember how he'd done the same to Kabuto-san. How even though Kabuto-san had dodged the blow, he'd still hit the ground in agony.

"Your moves may be fast but at the speed of sound, ours are even faster. This will show you that no amount of hard work can ever surpass talent," Dosu's voice comes out lower and throatier than it had before. It's almost at the pitch of Zabuza's voice. You suppress a shudder at the memory of it.

Lee-san coughs up bile. He's in no condition to keep fighting these guys and once more, it's all your fault. Because you're too weak and too slow and not smart enough, another person is _hurt_. You're still just getting in the way and getting everyone else hurt.

"You see, there's a little trick to my blows that makes dodging them ineffective," Dosu looks pleased with himself as he holds his arm up to give you both a good look at the metal bit of what you'd assumed was just armor. "It's _sound_, even if you dodge the blow, the sound will get you. Tell me, do you know what sound actually is?"

You do. "It's vibrations... to hear sound means your ear is catching the vibrations of the air..."

He gives you a sickening grin. It's almost a leer. "Well, well, give the girl a prize. She's of some use after all. Boy, do you know what happens when the human ear drum hears sound over 150 MHz? It breaks. And when it breaks, the sound travels deeper in the ear, to the inner membrane. When that's damaged, you lose your balance. Your body won't move properly for a while, so we can kill the girl and Sasuke-kun now."

Zaku laughs, "lame old taijutsu won't help you with us. That's not fair actually, you were doing alright enough, I suppose. You did make me use my jutsu before you failed."

It's a good thing boys like to talk so much. The longer those two explain their own techniques to Lee-san, the longer you have to recover your chakra reserves. Maybe then... maybe you can do something. If Lee's taijutsu skills weren't enough to beat these guys, you know that yours definitely won't be, but you might be able to get them in some sort of genjutsu.

You haven't tried anything big yet, and this is probably the worst situation for you to try but you need to do something. You just need a little more chakra first.

Dosu charges, going for you. Lee-san manages to get up in time to intervene and for a second you think maybe everything will be okay after all. The second ends fast and Lee-san is on the ground writhing. Dosu doesn't even acknowledge him again before turning back to you.

You bite back a curse as you hurl some kunai at him, wishing your chakra reserves were a little bigger or that you'd started taking training seriously sooner.

He blocks them so easily it's pathetic.

You are weak. You are small. You are pathetic.

(You remember how all you'd done on that mission was stand back and guard Tazuna-san from nothing. How Zabuza had seen through you so easily. How your mother had asked you to reconsider your career choice when you'd gotten back from the Land of Waves. How much money you spent on these new gloves to protect your fists while you fought.)

You might never be strong. Your movements are still awkward. You're not at all a fluid fighter. You don't stand a chance against one of these guys, let alone all three of them. You know all of that, but you also know that you're the only thing standing between them and killing your comrade.

In a choice between letting them kill Sasuke-kun and dying, you will always pick dying. You're sure of it.

"Dodge this!" You snarl, letting loose four shuriken.

Zaku is in front of Dosu in a second and he's blowing them back at you in less than that. Your forearms bleed from blocking them. And then the girl, the one who'd been doing nothing — just like _you — _is looming behind you. She grips your too long, too silky hair angrily, like she wants to rip it out of your scalp by the roots. Her hands don't shake. They don't even tremble.

"Your hair is so soft," she snarls, "I bet you spend more time taking care of it than you do training. Of course a bitch like you would make kunoichi look weak, you're too busy trying to look good to actually _be_ a shinobi." She tugs harshly at your hair and you let out a pathetic whimper. "Hey Zaku, let's kill that Sasuke boy in front of her since her boy crazy ass cares so much about him."

_No_. You can't let them just kill Sasuke-kun. You can't sit by and watch that happen but — you can't move. You're frozen. Just like you'd been during the fight with Zabuza and with the Naruto imposter and with Orochimaru and with _everyone_.

You feel your hand curl into a fist limply. You feel your whole body trembling. You feel yourself crying, like _always_.

(Faintly, you remember being eight and sobbing into your knees because Ami and her friends wouldn't leave you alone about your forehead, even now that you were wearing Ino's ribbon. You hadn't even realized Ino was with you until she'd started lecturing you. "You have to stop being such a crybaby, Sakura! Those guys are only gonna pick on you more if you keep crying like this, jeez!")

You realize that now you're thirteen and still sobbing because somebody is picking on you. You realize that in five fucking years, not a goddamn thing has changed. You _still_ rely on people to defend you. You _still_ curl up into nothing and cry when things go wrong. You _still_ just submit when people tell you to. You're _still_ chasing after everyone you admire — Ino, Sasuke-kun, Lee-san, even Naruto.

It's been five years and you're still a flower that's waiting to bloom.

It's time you _fucking_ bloomed.

("A flower can't grow if it's surrounded by weeds because the weed absorbs nutrients it needs to flourish.")

You're always lecturing Naruto like you know better when he's the one always saving you. You're always saying you love Sasuke-kun when you can't even protect him. You're always pretending to be a shinobi when you know you're not.

"Don't you _learn_? That kunai won't work on me, bitch," the girl snorts.

"It's not _for_ you," you snarl.

And then you slice through your hair like it's _nothing_. Your hair is nothing. Your hair is nothing. You are not your hair. You are so much more than anyone ever told you you could be.

(You already know what your mother will say. You already _know_ this isn't ladylike and that it's going to make you look ugly.)

Her grip comes undone as you pull forward, the strands you missed ripping from your scalp like weeds being uprooted. You don't even feel the pain of it as you rise to your feet. You rise from your greatest shame. You rise from your own ashes. You rise in place of a girl who was so caved in on herself no one could ever pick her up.

Your hitai-ate has hit the ground and you're surrounded by the mess your hair made. Its ridiculous shade of pink clashes almost violently against the dirt beneath you. Your eyes are still red and puffy from crying. You've never been pretty while you cried. You are ugly and messy and scared out of your mind. In this moment, you are everything you've been told not to be.

(You don't _fucking _care anymore.)

This time, your teammates are going to be the ones watching _you_ fight.

Your pride is an ugly thing that your mother taught you to beat down into submission, the same way she taught you to submit to boys. You are done listening. You are not a _nice girl_. You are mean and angry and savage. You are not faking your goddamn bravado this time.

"What are you waiting for Kin!? Kill that bitch!"

She charges at you, wild and reckless and completely underestimating you.

The substitution jutsu is basic and easy and will only make them think even less of you. You need them to think less of you, so you're quick to throw a few kunai Zaku's way. He deflects them right back at you like last time and you use the substitution jutsu once more.

"So predictable!" He sneers, getting ready to take your above attack.

As deliberately as you can, you make the tiger, boar, ox, dog, and snake hand signs one last time. He chucks some kunai at you and before he even sees them hit you, he's looking around for where your next attack is coming from.

You almost smile through the pain before you draw a fist back. You send as much chakra as you can manage into it, like the ugliest kiss goodnight your mother ever gave you.

"Shannaro!" You scream and the dam keeping all your anger at bay is finally opened.

He realizes a second too late to dodge but a second early enough to raise his arm up in front of his face. You swear you hear a crunch as your first connects with his forearm. And then you bite down — _hard_.

It's not a lot, you know that, but it's something to buy Sasuke-kun some time to _wake up_ at least. If — _when_ he does, you're going to scream at him to take Naruto and run. You're going to tell him to get them both out of here so they can live. You know that without you, they'll be disqualified from this exam but at least they'd _live_. If any of you are going to live, it should be them.

This is not noble thinking. You would rather die in the violent glory and soothe an appetite you've been denied your whole life than live as a civilian-born kunoichi no one will ever expect anything from. You would rather make your sensei proud than reaffirm his belief that all you are is a girl made from nothing. You are a monster of a girl who loves viciously and wholly and with no remorse.

Zaku's screaming breaks your train of thought. He's furious — spitting and punching your head with his free arm. "Let go of me, you bitch!" He doesn't stop screaming that word. He's punching wildly, getting the top of your head mostly but he lands a few around your eye.

You think you're crying again. You're not. You're just bleeding.

It hurts. It hurts so fucking much but you _can't_ stop. You won't stop, not when you finally started fighting back.

You are not weak. You are not small. You are not pathetic.

"Dosu, get this crazy bitch off of me!"

You hate that word. This time, you're going to show him why he should keep it out of his goddamn mouth. Quickly, you push every ounce of chakra you can to your jaws and then you bite down even harder than before.

He punches you off of him and you feel _flesh_ come with you. Zaku howls.

Spluttering, you spit his skin out of your mouth. You smile at him in the aftermath. You're bruised and bloody and your teeth must be stained red but it's the most charming smile you have. _Fuck you_, it screams.

Before you can even see what he's going to do to you for that, Ino's team is in front of you.

"Ino..." you start.

She growls lowly. "Sakura, how many times do I have to say it: I won't lose to you!" She's shaking a little. Not much but it's the most you've ever seen her tremble. "You're my rival and that means I can't let you have all the glory!"

"What are you two even thinking!? We're gonna die if we fight these guys — Shikamaru, let go of my scarf!"

"Yeah right, moron. This sucks but if Ino is fighting, we have to too, it's a drag but we can't just leave our teammate."

You'd been staring so intently at Ino you'd almost forgotten about Chōji and Shikamaru.

"Hah, sorry about involving you guys but we're a team so it's only expected!" You wonder what it must be like to have our teammates think of you as enough of an equal to do what you say like Ino does. You resolve to find out once all of this is over and you and your team come out of it alive.

"Whatever, Ino, we'll make it through, I guess," Shikamaru sighs.

It happens like this:

Zaku calls Chōji fat. It escalates fast and violently. For once, nobody instructs you into the background. Instead, Ino barks at you to get up and help them fight. Shikamaru blanches at that and Ino thumps him over the head, ranting about how you're her rival and that means you're her _equal_.

You almost cry.

It ends like this:

Lee-san's team shows up to help out of anger at what the Oto-nin did to him. The Hyūga boy calls off their attack at the last second because Sasuke-kun wakes up with marks all over his body and his chakra so potent it _consumes_ him. Sasuke-kun sees how battered and bruised you are and decides to break Zaku's arms for it.

You really do cry.

Not because you're scared — even though you _are_, you cry out of anger.

"I'm not some poor little girl you need to protect all the time, Sasuke-kun!" You scream, engulfing him in the scaredest hug of your life, "you and Naruto and Kakashi-sensei all — you all forget that Team 7 is a _three-man squad!_ You're always telling to stay in the background, to do _nothing_, and then you're surprised when I'm not strong! How the _fuck_ am I supposed to get stronger if you're always protecting me! Just stop already! Please _stop_," your voice breaks and then the marks are retreating.

You don't stop crying.

You hadn't realized how angry you really were. You've always internalized it, directed all that rage at yourself for being weak. Until now, you hadn't even thought it was at them for _letting_ you be weak. You hadn't realized how much it meant to you that even though Ino protected you, she still let you fight your own fights. Even when you were kids, she'd given you the ribbon, and she'd helped to defend you from bullies but she always left it up to you to be strong on your own.

You're crying so hard, you don't even realize the Oto-nin are gone until Ino's team is rushing back over to you. And then Naruto is up and talking some nonsense about Orochimaru and —

"Sakura-chan! Gah, what happened to your hair!? Did that jerk do that to you!? I'll cut _his_ hair off!"

"Oh, no, Naruto, don't worry, okay? I did it myself," you try to force yourself to laugh a little, "it — it was getting in my way so I had to cut it."

He nods like he believes you. "Ne, ne, that makes sense. But — why are you crying, Sakura-chan? Did Sasuke say something to you — I'll kill him, what did you do to Sakura-chan, you bastard!?"

Ino answers for you, "back off, Naruto, Sasuke-kun didn't do anything! Forehead was just protecting you idiots and she got hurt, that's all! Jeez, what's up with all these questions anyways? Be grateful she saved you!"

"Eh!? Sakura-chan saved us? Whoa, that's so cool!" He turns to you with that ridiculous grin he's always got, "I always knew you were awesome, Sakura-chan! Dattebayo! Hey, why's bushy brows here too?"

You thump Naruto for that. "Don't be rude to Lee-san! You should be thanking him! Actually, _I_ should be thanking him."

You're torn between bowing like a _nice girl_ and hugging him so you do half of both. "Thank you, Lee-san," you say, "without your help, I never could have done that."

Ino drags you away before he can respond. "Forehead, I need to fix your hair for you," she interjects. She takes your hand in hers firmly. Her hand doesn't shake and neither does yours. Hers lingers in yours before they part ways once you're at what she decides is a suitable distance from everyone else.

Vaguely, you resent that she lets go at all.

She doesn't speak at first, opting to silently run her fingers through the choppy cut of your hair instead. Somehow it isn't an uncomfortable silence as she begins evening out your hair with a kunai.

The proximity of her kunai to your neck should be unsettling. The hairs on the back of your neck should be standing. Instead, you relax into her fleeting touches. You may be a shinobi but this is Ino and even now, even while you're rivals instead of friends, Ino is the most comforting person in the world for you. She would never do anything to actually hurt you. You know that. You've always known that.

"Hey," she murmurs, "you were really brave, Sakura. Not that I expected any less from my rival, of course."

You laugh softly, "you were brave too, Ino."

"Maybe, but your teammates sound like they suck worse than mine after all. Do they really never let you fight?" She combs her fingers through your hair again, getting the bits she's trimmed out.

"Not really... our sensei even spars with me during training so they won't hurt me," you admit.

"Seriously? That's so stupid, jeez, what kind of sensei is he?"

You chew your lip at that. "Well, he's not a bad sensei. I don't think he knows what to do with me. He seems like he's bad at dealing with girls."

Ino's hand comes down harder than necessary when she wipes the hair off the back off your neck. "That's no excuse! He should be training you just as hard as he trains them! Men sure are dumb when it comes to women," she rants, "honestly, Sakura, you should tell them off."

The conversation ends there and you take to listening to how yours and Ino's breathing is matched up. You wonder if she knows that Sasuke-kun isn't your crush now. You wonder if Sasuke-kun is still her crush too. You don't know why your heart is racing at the thought but you do know that everything is going to start changing now.

You hope to God it will be for the better.

* * *

Later, at night, Sasuke-kun looks at you sharply out of nowhere. "Sakura," he says, "...I'm sorry."

You've never heard him apologize to anyone before. You smile, teary-eyed. "Thank you, Sasuke —" you stop yourself. Things are different now. You want to be his _friend_, not just a starry-eyed girl chasing after him.

You swear he smiles just the tiniest bit at you.

Naruto looks feverishly back and forth at the two of you. "Huh? Seriously, what did I miss!? Sakura-chan, bastard, what happened while I was out!?"

Sasuke tsks and pulls the fish away from the fire. He hands it to Naruto. "None of your business," he says, "...if we run into another team, make sure Sakura gets to fight too."

Naruto gawks even more at you both. You take a moment to memorize the sight; the three of you under the stars with wide-eyes and burning ambition. Things are different now. Better.

"I love you guys," you murmur.

They stare at you in an embarrassed silence. Your heart is somewhere on your sleeve and you're wearing it with all your vicious pride so you sit there and you wait.

"I, uh, you're okay," Sasuke mumbles back.

Naruto thumps his back heartily. "Sakura-chan! I love you too!"

You're still burning, but it's tamer now.

* * *

**A/N: **for the record favorites/follows mean next to nothing to me so if you liked it please review it instead.

anyway i hope u appreciated all the recurring themes and mantras as well as all the parallels i used lol that was 90% of the work i put into revising this.


	2. did you blame god?

**SUMMARY:** At eight, your family is taken from you. At twelve, you forge a new one. It's not enough. / or: after the forest of death, sasuke and sakura get to be friends too

* * *

**A/N:** this is the halfway point between sakuras pov and tsunades pov bc im a sasuke apologist and also i believe that bc kishimotos handling of his and sakuras relationship is one of the greatest detriments to both of their characters, salvaging that relationship is key to fixing sakuras character arc

title comes from lisa marie basile's andalucia

cw: implied/referenced child abuse, mild gore towards the end, very brief emeto at the very end

* * *

It's two am and your bones ache but it's your turn to stand guard. There's blood and dirt both caked underneath your nails. You're trying to focus on that instead of the ringing sound of bones snapping. That instead of the way you lost control. That instead of the sound of Sakura crying and screaming at you.

You think about how infinitely small the three of you are in the universe. Then you think about how larger than life they both are to you tonight. With only the sound of crickets, their snores, and bones snapping, they seem like the whole world. The earth moves under their weight only tonight.

When you were put on Team 7, you told yourself they wouldn't burden you.

Not caring about Sakura had been easy. She was _annoying,_ insensitive, cruel even. You hated everything she thought about Naruto. You hated everything she said about her own parents. Flesh and blood and DNA designed just to take care of her and she had the audacity to stand there and badmouth them.

You would give _anything_ to have your parents back.

But Naruto had... he's like you. You've known that since the academy. You watched him on that splintered swing all alone while everyone else ran to their parents. You were alone too. The only difference was that he was born to loneliness while you were cursed with it.

In the Land of Waves, your body moved on its own to protect him. You knew in the back of your head what you were risking. You thought you were going to die in Naruto's arms before you could ever bring your brother to justice.

(You were eight and you couldn't stop shaking. He looked at you like you were nothing and said, "survive your miserable life.")

Naruto's life was worth your own. You remember thinking that as he came in and out of focus. Your breathing slowed and everything went blurry but it was okay because it was Naruto, holding you almost comfortingly and crying onto you. You were drowning in your blood and his tears.

You had told him about your brother and he would know what to do with that. You trusted him. He would want justice for you and your clan.

It wasn't like that when you threw yourself in front of Sakura.

Maybe something in your stomach had lurched when you saw that kunai shaking in her hands but saving her didn't mean betraying your clan. You knew you would survive. You knew that if you didn't do something, she wouldn't. Anyway, neither would the bridge builder and you weren't going to fail your first C-rank.

She wasn't a problem then. You didn't care about her. It just would have been cruel to not protect her.

You steal a glance of them; they're curled up in Naruto's jacket together. They're both snoring, it's almost synchronized. You know they wouldn't sleep like that if it wasn't so cold out but the sight is still jarring. You don't think you like it.

They don't look that different right now. Naruto's bruises are gone but he looks disgusting. There's dried blood in his hair and a coat of dirt on his face. Sakura's left eye is swollen red and she looks ugly for it. They're both so gross. Her drool is all over Naruto's chest. He still looks stupidly happy. Peaceful.

Your chest aches at the sight and you wonder if maybe you can have that too.

They're a burden to each other. They admitted it over charred salmon at dinner. Sakura had been so soft and weak when she'd said her "I love you." Naruto had been so brash and strong with his. You don't know about his — you wish you knew about his — but hers had been just as much for you as it was for Naruto. The thought has your nails cutting crescents in-between the lines of your palms.

Being tied too tightly to them would only get in your way. They'd suffocate you.

There's a ghost of Sakura's arms around you, strangling you. You have no excuse for breaking that Oto-nin's arms for brutalizing her. That wasn't about protecting a girl too afraid and unprepared to fight. That was about revenge. You looked at her, arms littered with cuts and her eye swollen and ugly, and all you could think was _that's my teammate_.

Kakashi-sensei had told you all with such conviction that only scum would leave their comrades behind.

Your stomach lurches. Your heart aches softly between your ribs. _Naruto_, you think, _Sakura_. Maybe you didn't want either of them to begin with but they're your teammates now. And you're theirs.

You don't want to lose either of them.

**/**

For two days, you rest. Sakura's eye turns from red to purple. Naruto washes the blood out of his hair. You stop hearing bones snap.

**/**

The sun rises on Naruto's shift and you and Sakura follow suit. Sakura goes to gather sticks and breaks off branches with ease, you light the fire, and you help Naruto catch the salmon. The two of you only catch three fish but half a full stomach is better than an empty one.

You eat in silence. Sakura eats noticeably less than you and Naruto. You glare at her as if that will make her eat more. She puts her salmon down and speaks, "there may not be any more heaven scrolls."

"Do you really think that?" You ask cautiously.

"It's the fourth day of the test so it's eighty percent over. There are twenty-six teams and only thirteen of both scrolls and — and Orochimaru burned our heaven scroll, so the amount of teams that can pass is down to twelve," she explains, "and it's not like we know for sure if the rest of the scrolls are intact either."

Naruto nods like he understands, but you know he doesn't.

"That means whoever we run into next might be our last chance," you say.

Again, Naruto nods like he understands. "Hey, hey!" He exclaims. He's got that dopey look on his face. The one he gets when he's gonna say something dumb even by his standards.

You take the bait anyway and ask what he wants.

"There's probably some kinda password in the scroll, right?" He's not wrong.

"I guess," Sakura says, "where are you going with this?"

"If we can figure out what the password is, we can fake the heaven scroll!" He exclaims with the scroll in hand. He's grinning like he's proud of himself and you almost want to be proud of him too. Except that's a terrible idea.

Sakura smacks herself in the face. "Naruto, you idiot!"

Your stomach churns with a gross kind of affection at the sight. You can't believe how much these two losers have endeared themselves to you. You sigh, "we can't do that. We'd be eliminated when they realized it was a fake. They might even bar us from taking the Chūnin Exams again."

That older guy you met earlier who's failed seven times, Kabuto you think, barges in and puts his hand over Naruto's.

Your kunai is drawn in a matter of seconds. Your leg is still aching from when you plunged a kunai through it to escape Orochimaru and you haven't eaten a proper meal in days but if you have to fight, you will. Naruto will be at your side. Sakura too.

"I mean you no harm," he smiles, "I just thought I saw you trying to open the scroll and figured I should warn you against that. I've seen a few teams knocked out by their open scroll."

"It's a good thing we weren't opening ours then," Sakura grits her teeth. Her hand is over her weapons pouch. Her reflexes aren't as quick as yours but you're relieved to see you're on the same page. Naruto is... still in his boxers but you trust him to attack first and ask questions later if it comes down to it.

"Is that so?" Kabuto raises his eyebrow to challenge that and it's condescending enough to make you want to leave him on the dirt floor even if he has another earth scroll.

"Yeah," you growl, "now get out of here before we kill you."

Kabuto laughs as if you're nothing more than a petulant child throwing a snotty tantrum. "If you were going to kill me, you would have done it by now. You're hurt, aren't you? I'm a medic-nin, you know. I could help you."

"Prove it," Sakura demands.

He slices his own forearm open deeply. His hand glow with a green chakra you recognize from your reading at the Academy and when it makes contact, you watch the blood stop. The opened muscle closes and his flesh almost seems to regrow until it's nothing but a scratch. Soon, even the scratch disappears.

"Whoa," Naruto gapes, "that's so cool!" He's such a moron.

"How do we know you won't hurt Sasuke?" Sakura asks.

Naruto nods stupidly at her side.

"You guys really don't trust me. How about this: I'll talk one of you through it. Sakura, I understand you have better chakra control than Naruto so you can be the one to do it. It'll take a lot longer but I suppose it can't be helped," that smug bastard says.

Before they start, Kabuto warns that it'll take her several tries. Sakura gets it right the first time.

**/**

Kabuto ends up escorting you to the tower because of ambushes at the end of the exam. He tells you he has both scrolls and is meeting up with his team and you realize he's scared. You catch Naruto's eye and Sakura adjusts her gloves like she understands too.

You wait until another team tries to kill you all with a genjutsu. You're tired and not at full strength but neither is he.

Sakura strikes first, using the element of surprise. You're almost shocked at her boldness as she slashes his cheek open with her shuriken. Then Naruto is barraging him with shadow clones. You deliver the final blow.

The three of you leave him in the dirt without either of his scrolls.

**/**

You pass. Iruka-sensei promises to take you out for ramen as soon as he can. "In the meantime," he says, "there's going to be a preliminary exam. Too many teams passed this round so they need to cut down the ranks for the final exam."

They gather you in a cold room with the other remaining teams. You rake your eyes over to see who's there. Teams 10 and 8 both, you note with satisfaction. Those Oto-nin, Rock Lee, Neji, and their teammate. _The Suna-nin_. Others you don't recognize. That redheaded girl you saved from the bear is gone. She hadn't seemed particularly strong anyway.

Then, they tell you'll be fighting each other in front of the Sandaime, that proctor lady, and a bunch of jounin. You're burning to prove yourself to them. You made the mistake of losing to Lee once but you won't do it again. You're an Uchiha, this is in your blood.

(You were eight and you kept crying. He looked disappointed as he said, "when you have the same eyes as I do, come before me.")

You don't hear a word of the Sandaime's speech.

A man jumps to the floor. He looks like he might die any moment. "Umm, before we begin this third test... anyone not feeling well enough to fight should drop out now since this will be an individual battling preliminary," he says.

"Sasuke, you should quit," Sakura catches you off guard.

"What are you talking about?" You snap at her.

She grits her teeth. "I'm serious. You're in no shape to be fighting anymore. You haven't been the same since we fought Orochimaru. And that mark —"

"_Sakura_." You can't let her tell Naruto. You're not going to let him worry about you like this.

"Goddamn it, Sasuke," she smacks you upside the head, "as your friend, I'm asking you to quit. _Please_." You can tell by the way she's trembling that she's biting back tears. She's always been weepy like that. You still remember her crying over your would-be-dead body in the Land of Waves. She had almost suffocated you in her grief. You hadn't been sure why she was grieving so much to begin with.

"Shut up," you tell her anyway.

"You guys —" Naruto starts.

"I can't let you fight like this!" She says, bursting, "if you try to, I'll tell sensei about it!" Before she can raise her hand, you catch her by the wrist. "I don't want to see you _suffer_," she pleads.

"I have to fight. Just butt out of it, okay? I'll be fine," you tell her, "this isn't about making chūnin to me. This is about proving if I'm strong because I'm an avenger. There are people here I need to fight. And, Sakura, if you stop me, I can't forgive you."

"Hey!" Naruto roars, "stop acting so cool! Sakura-chan is worried about you and —"

You click your tongue at him. "Don't you get it? You're one of the ones I want to fight the most." You stare at him for a long moment, trying to gauge his feelings. He looks soft and understanding for a brief second, then hard and steadfast. He wants to fight you as badly as you want to fight him. Your stomach churns.

Nobody forfeits.

You go first. You're fighting Kiba of all people. You guess he's strong but he's not one of the people you'd been aching to fight. Then again, Kakashi-sensei warns you against using your Sharingan with that mark on your shoulder.

With Naruto's goading and Sakura's encouragement, you end the fight as fast as you can. It's not as fast as you expected.

Naruto laughs too loudly as always. "Look at you, Sasuke, you're all beat up, you idiot! You call that shit winning? Loser!"

"You're the idiot," you catch yourself laughing back. It feels safe somehow to joke around with him. You feel almost like a normal kid instead of Atlas, dying under the weight of the world.

They pull Kiba away to tend him. He groans on a stretcher the whole time, mumbling about how he'll get you next time. Kakashi-sensei stops them from taking you off to be tended to as well.

"Maa, you did good, Sasuke-kun," he chirps, "now let's seal up that curse mark."

You grunt sharply. You hadn't wanted him to know about that either. "I want to watch the rest of the matches, can't it wait?"

Kakashi-sensei snaps his book shut and the sound makes you flinch. "No. If we wait, it will be too late. So calm down and come with me, alright?"

Before you leave, you see that the next match is that Dosu guy who beat Kabuto up and someone named Tenten.

**/**

You turn thirteen in the hospital. The sight of the walls leaves you miserable. You've spent every birthday since the massacre alone but this place is nothing but a reminder of that night. You'd woken up here after that god-awful genjutsu finally let you go. You didn't sleep the whole week you were here.

Then, no one had visited you but the Sandaime. This time, you aren't allowed visitors. There was an attempt on your life already.

Naruto and Sakura visit with Iruka-sensei and ramen from Ichiraku anyway.

"Don't tell anyone about this, okay, Sasuke?" Iruka-sensei asks sheepishly as Naruto jumps onto your bed with you.

They fill you in on all the fights you missed. You try to react appropriately even when you have no idea who they're talking about. Naruto gloats that he beat Shino's ass and even killed some of his bugs which Sakura says was very rude. Then she gloats that she broke Ino's jaw with, as she explains it, a chakra enhanced uppercut which Naruto raves about. Apparently, they drew numbers from a box for the final exam. You're number four, up against Gaara, and the news makes your chest tighten.

Naruto wolfs down twelve bowls of ramen. You're starving so you eat three and a half before pawning the leftovers off onto Naruto. Together, you bully Sakura into two whole bowls. Next time, you'll make her eat even more, you think. She needs to knock off that crap about diets if she wants to fight on equal grounds with you and Naruto.

"Iruka-sensei! Iruka-sensei!" Naruto jumps up, "can we go back and get some more?"

"Naruto!" Sakura yanks him back down, "that's so rude! Iruka-sensei has already spent so much money on us and all he has is a teacher's salary! Be considerate and apologize!"

He cries stupidly. "Ne, ne, Sakura-chan, you're so mean!"

They're stupid and brash and always shouting but this is your team. They're losers but they're your losers. You think they might be your best friends. Naruto, especially. Naruto, always.

You would go to the ends of the earth for the both of them.

(You were eight and you didn't understand. He looked at you and said, "there's a catch: take the life of your best friend.")

In a heartbeat.

**/**

In the aftermath of the warmth of your team, your mind starts to drift. Gaara crushed Lee's leg. From what you've heard, he might never be able to be a shinobi again. Lee was strong enough to beat you before the Forest of Death. Have you made any progress since then? Are you stuck in place? Are you strong enough to beat Gaara?

You need to get stronger and you need to do it fast. Thankfully, Kakashi-sensei asks you to sneak out of the hospital so he can train you.

"It's about keeping you safe," he had said, "the hospital staff will be mad but I can't let you fight Gara without more training."

Bedrest be damned. You oblige.

He's late to meet you as usual. Vaguely, you miss the sound of Naruto and Sakura yelling at him for it. There's a comfort to this routine the four of you are accustomed to now. Still, the thought of one-on-one training with your sensei has electricity pumping through you.

He has you test your chakra nature. You huff indignantly, "it'll be fire like the rest of my clan."

It's lightning.

Suddenly, all the hours spent on the docks trying to perfect the fireball jutsu make sense. It was always so much harder for you than it was for everyone else. Than it was for —

You don't let your heart sink in anguish. You don't let yourself remember fighting for your father's approval when it so easily given to your brother. If you let yourself think too much about your family, you'll just end up feeling guilty for being happy with Team 7.

Blood is blood. You can't replace it. But the feeling when you're with them is close.

"Build your chakra in your hand," he instructs.

"... Are you training Naruto and Sakura for their fights too?"

He looks surprised you'd ask that. "Maa, I assigned them both private tutors. I did tell Sakura about a jutsu I want her to learn for her fight though."

You feel jealousy creep up under your skin. "What jutsu?"

"Don't worry, it's not as special as this one, Sasuke. It's the mud wall jutsu," he smiles, "now focus your chakra."

**/**

You're late to the final exam.

Apparently, Naruto beat Neji somehow and Shikamaru surrendered to that Temari chick while you were finishing your training. You don't really care about Shikamaru anyway, but the prospect of fighting Naruto gets your stomach churning.

Your fight starts and you find yourself completely unafraid. Gaara is unhinged but your new jutsu can pierce his sand armor and you're fast enough to evade him now. You might as well have fun with this.

"Come on," you taunt.

Your foot meets his jaw and you hear something crack. The sand armor or bones, maybe a little of both. You only catch a glimpse of him before the sand is cocooning him. You have to break that barrier.

You charge at him with your fist ready and — there's a crunch. Your fist feels wet with blood. You didn't even dent the barrier. For a moment, your fear swallows you whole.

And then you remember the ace up your sleeve.

The cocoon is morphing into what looks like an eye ball but you take a deep breath. Your teammates are watching and they're the last people you want to lose in front of. You try a sweeping kick just to make sure this is the only way to break the cocoon.

It is.

Ox, rabbit, monkey.

"Chidori!"

Just like that, lightning roars to life in your palm. Like all your Uchiha pride, it swells. You drag it through the ground and listen to the crackle and hiss as debris flies past you. Gaara screams about his mother but you barely hear him over the sound of it. You're hurtling towards him with absolute precision and your Sharingan activated. There is no room for error.

This is the jutsu you will take your brother's life with.

When your chidori meets sand, the sand parts like the red sea.

Gaara screams bloody murder and your hand won't budge. When it does, a monstrous hand emerges from the sand. And then it crumbles around a bleeding Gaara.

It's only then you realize how absolutely fucked you all are.

Konoha crumbles as you watch the Sandaime be taken hostage by the Kazekage. Cloaked soldiers leap around and the crowd is sleeping through it all. You don't have time to process that they must be under genjutsu.

Gaara's team jumps down from the stands and start talking about the plan in front of you but Gaara kneels there and cradles his head.

"Abort the mission," their sensei says, "take Gaara and retreat."

The chūnin who had been overseeing your match asks if Orochimaru is in charge of this and the name sends tremors through your core.

"Hey! What the hell is going on?" You ask him.

"Sorry but the Chūnin Exams are over. Frankly, kid, you're already at chūnin level. Might as well make yourself useful by chasing down Gaara and the others," he shrugs.

You listen to him.

**/**

When you finally catch up to the Suna-nin, Kankuro tries to fight you. The kunoichi from Neji and Lee's team interrupts before you can so much as make a fist at him.

"Actually," she says, "I'll be your opponent, Kankuro."

"... I don't know your name," you admit bluntly, "why are you here?"

She snorts. "It's Tenten. And I'm here because I was supposed to fight this guy. I saw you both leave the arena so I chased after you. My teammates will be mad I didn't break the genjutsu for them but this is something I want to do alone."

"You'll be sorry when I'm through with you," Kankuro growls, taking that ugly puppet off his back.

"Are you sure you can do this?" You ask.

"Right, you didn't see my preliminary match. I almost killed that Dosu guy. I've got this," she says.

You take a good look at her. She's got the same look in her eyes Sakura had with Kabuto. You find yourself almost smiling and, suddenly, you believe her.

Three minutes later, you catch up with Gaara and Temari.

"I may not know why your village is doing this, but I'm going to stop you," you tell him.

His whole face is cracked when he stands up to look at you. His hand is over his eye and you wonder what's wrong with it. "You, who is strong... you, who has companions..." Your stomach curls at the mention of your team. If he fucking touches them — "you, who has an ambition... you are like me... I'm going to kill you and _destroy_ all that." He doubles over and hisses in pain.

You watch his hand grow claw-like. And then he's — you don't know what he is, but whatever it is, it's making you sick. The killing intent that radiates off of him is unbearable.

(You were eight and you'd only ever read about killing intent. It almost suffocated you even after it was finally gone.)

**"ARE YOU AFRAID OF ME?"**

(You were eight and you were afraid. From his face, you didn't know if he revelled in it, but he called to you, "foolish little brother.")

**"UCHIHA SASUKE!"**

(You were eight and you were weak. He never said it but you knew he left you because you weren't worthy of the Uchiha name.)

**"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!"**

(You were eight and he told you you were nothing. He almost sighed at you and said, "killing you would be a waste of time.")

**"HAS YOUR FEAR TAKEN OVER THE HATRED? THE KILLING URGE? IS YOUR REASON FOR EXISTENCE AS PUNY AS THAT?"**

You get up from behind the tree onto shaking legs and breathe. You are not eight. He is not your brother. You are not afraid. He is not your brother. You are not weak. He is not your brother. You are not nothing. Your brother picked you to avenge your clan and that is why you are not going to die here today.

**"IF YOU CRAVE AN ANSWER, COME AND GET IT!"**

Ox, rabbit, monkey. You drive the lightning right through his hand and sever it in two.

**"THAT'S WHY I'M SO EXCITED! I JUST GOT THE ANSWER! IT'S THIS _PAIN_!"**

You swallow any leftover fear.

**"DEFEATING A MAN STRONG ENOUGH TO HURT ME IS WHAT GIVES ME THIS GREATER SENSE OF EXISTENCE!"**

He's not going to beat you. You're stronger than that. You're an _Uchiha_. The very last of your kind. And when you're through with him, you'll fight Naruto and you'll beat him too. Then you can all go to Ichiraku to celebrate saving the village or whatever. The thought calms you down.

Naruto's stupid smile as he swallows six bowls whole... Sakura scolding him for not having any manners... the three of you trying to catch a glimpse of Kakashi-sensei's face when he eats his bowl. You're going to beat Gaara so you can have that.

The sand changes form again. Gaara is faster than before now.

You leap to avoid the swing of his arm as it destroys the branch you had been on seconds before. You don't have another blast of chidori in you so you breathe out a roaring flame at him instead. It almost wipes you out. Your Sharingan, the two blasts of chidori, it's too much. You don't have the chakra for this.

**"YOU'RE TOO SOFT BECAUSE YOUR HATRED ISN'T STRONG ENOUGH! THE POWER OF HATE IS THE POWER TO KILL!"**

You try to catch your breath. You try to think about your team.

**"YOUR HATRED IS WEAKER THAN MINE!"**

(You were eight and your legs shook. He looked so indifferent to you. "If you want to kill me, _hate me_.")

**"DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT THAT MEANS?"**

You growl low in your throat. "Shut up." Tears brim at your eyes. You didn't need Sharingan to remember everything from that night.

**"IT MEANS YOU'RE WEAKER THAN ME!"**

Ox, rabbit, monkey.

It's weaker this time and it burns your palm more. You're charging at him and then it flickers and fizzles out of life. Your shoulder burns and your flesh feels raw and angry again. A second burst of chakra floods through your veins and the chidori flickers back to life.

You collapse in a fit of pain as the curse mark threatens to take you over again. Faintly, you remember Kakashi-sensei's voice telling you not to succumb it.

Then there's a flash of orange kicking Gaara away from you. You know immediately that it's _Naruto_. Always bursting in to save you at the last second. You almost hate him for it.

"Sasuke!" You hear Sakura yell and then you feel hands turning you over onto your back. "I thought that mark was taken care of."

You groan in her arms.

"Hey, Sakura-chan!" Naruto calls out.

"What, Naruto?"

You vaguely see him point. "Who the hell is that?"

"That's Gaara," an unfamiliar voice says. You don't bother trying to see who it is. It's probably someone from the academy you just didn't care to remember.

Sakura's grip on you tightens. "He attacked Sasuke."

"Mind you, I'm not the battle type," the guy you don't know says.

Sakura screams at him for it. You'd laugh if your body wasn't so numb. You remember what Kakashi-sensei said about how if you let this thing take you over, you'll never defeat your brother and you grab at your neck. You have to get this under control. _Now_.

**"YOU'RE THE ONE I FAILED TO KILL THAT TIME!"**

"You guys!" Naruto screams, "get away!"

You hear movement and more screaming and then Sakura lets go of you.

**"UCHIHA SASUKE, DIE!"**

"Earth Style: Mud Wall Jutsu!"

You groan, "Sakura." She's trying to protect you like how you protected her on that godawful mission.

"Whoa, Sakura-chan!"

You hear the mud wall crumble and you know Gaara broke it like it was nothing. And then Sakura _screams_. Naruto leaps in to pull you away from the chaos.

"Sakura-chan!" Naruto shouts.

You're leaning on him for support and your legs feel weak under you. Still, you focus your eyes on where Sakura is pinned to a tree by that monstrous arm of Gaara's. He puts you down gently, his hands almost hesitant to leave you. You find yourself resenting it when they do.

"Damn it! Sasuke, what are we gonna do?"

Gaara howls in pain again and you try to find it in you to move. He's got his head cradled in one of his hands again and he's shaking it almost violently. His grip on Sakura seems to tighten. You want nothing more than to cut his goddamn arm off.

"Naruto," Sakura chokes out.

"Sakura-chan!"

Goddamn it. You're getting sick of them saying each other's names. "Naruto," you spit out.

"Sasuke!"

Gaara growls. "What do they mean to you?" He asks, dangerously quiet this time. Your stomach curls in anticipation of Naruto's response. _A burden_, part of you thinks. Then comrades. Friends definitely... _family_. Or even —

"They're my friends! If you don't leave them the fuck alone, I'll kick your ass, dattebayo!"

You smile into the bark.

Then Sakura screams again. Your blood is starting to run cold at the sound. What does that monster think he's doing to your teammate?

"Now what?" Gaara taunts. "Aren't you going to kick my ass?"

When Naruto leaves the branch, his absence shakes you. The sound of Gaara throwing him into the bushes like a rag doll sends a tremor of hate through you. You don't hear what happens next. You're too consumed by this hatred running through you.

Gaara is hurting your teammates. He's going to _kill_ Sakura at this rate. And then _Naruto_. And then you'll be alone again. You can't be alone again. Your heart couldn't take losing them too. You had almost forgot why you were so afraid of letting yourself be tied to them and now you're facing the death of your loved ones again.

Your bones ache. Your body is burning and freezing all at once. You want Gaara dead. You want your brother dead. You don't want to just avenge those you've lost, you want to protect those you still have.

Gaara's appearance gets even worse and Naruto gets thrown into a tree trunk this time. You think you hear his bones crack. It's followed by a long stretch of sickening silence.

Then: **"I'LL KILL THE GIRL IF YOU DON'T FIGHT ME!"**

"Her name..." you rasp out, "is Sakura."

He doesn't hear you or he just doesn't care.

The sound of Naruto's kage bunshin jutsu. Then of the forest rumbling around you. In the back of your head, you remember Konoha as you left it. The buildings collapsing, the Sandaime being taken hostage, the sheer terror. You feel closer than ever to that. To you, Naruto is Konoha.

He gets back up. It's not like you ever thought he wouldn't. He always does.

Naruto yells some dumbass name of some dumbass move he's made up. You'd smile if you weren't so worried about him.

If you couldn't take Gaara, you don't think Naruto can. But if you can just get back up and help him, the two of you together could. So you've got to try harder to fight this goddamn curse mark.

After a few more sets of bunshin, he does something you can only describe as confusing. He... stabs Gaara in the ass. What a fucking weirdo. Gaara's tail smacks him away and you find yourself moving again just in time to catch him with your chest as a paper bomb goes off. Your arms aren't responding enough to wrap your arms around him but you break his fall at least.

"Sasuke!" He looks bloodied and gross just how you know him best.

"Finally back to normal? You know... even after all that, you only got in one blow. Get your shit together, loser," you wheeze, "I can't save you again, not like in the Land of Waves, you goddamn..."

Naruto swats at you, "shuddup."

**"SEEMS LIKE I UNDERESTIMATED YOU!"**

This time, you ignore him. "Naruto, no matter what, save Sakura," you say, "okay? Once you've got her, take her and run as fast as you can. If it's just for awhile, I can hold him off. Even if I die, it's okay."

"Sasuke, what are you saying?" He looks at you like he wants to cry.

Your heart is on your sleeve here. You've never said it to either of them before. "I'm saying never again. I already lost everything once before. I don't ever want to watch those dear to me die before my eyes again!"

"... I get it. Sasuke, I — I love you. I love you and I love Sakura-chan and I love Kakashi-sensei and that's what makes me strong. Because strength doesn't come from yourself. It comes from fighting for people you love!"

His chakra is so potent, you feel it all around you. It envelops everything that is and no matter how angry it gets, it feels safe because it's Naruto.

This time, Naruto screams, "I WILL PROTECT THEM NO MATTER WHAT!" More bunshin than you could ever count spring to life. "Sasuke, take it easy! You just leave the rest up to me!" He doesn't even turn to look at you. It's barrage after barrage of bunshin unleashed onto Gaara.

Who the hell is this kid? Is this really Naruto? He's so much stronger than you thought... or are you just that weak?

The monster gets even bigger. Can Naruto beat that thing?

Could you?

(You're thirteen and trembling. Your teammate is pinned to a tree, choking because you couldn't beat Gaara.)

The sand engulfs Naruto and you scream his name.

(You're thirteen and you're not strong enough. You can't get your revenge and you can't save your friends.)

"Shit, I can't —" you feel so useless.

"I will protect Sakura-chan! Summoning no jutsu!" There's a puff of smoke. The more it clears, the less sure you are of what you're seeing. It's... a frog? A giant toad? This is Naruto's true power.

You watch in awe and in terror as Naruto takes Gaara on and the toad turns into a fox.

And then it's over. The sand around Sakura comes crumbling down. You leap to catch her before she falls.

"Thank you," she mumbles, "I'm sorry I couldn't —"

"Shut up," you tell her.

"Where's Naruto?"

You take her with you to find him. When you do, he's writhing on his belly in the dirt. It looks like he's trying to crawl over to where Gaara is on his back.

"That's enough, Naruto," you sigh, "if you'd look up, you'd see Sakura's okay."

She pushes against your chest at that. "Hey, are you gonna put me down? I think I can walk."

"Think isn't good enough, moron," you snap, "anyway. Naruto, you knocked Gaara out. He's probably out of chakra now."

Naruto cranes his neck to look at you both. He smiles as peacefully as the night you stood guard after everything changed. Something flickers in your chest at the sight but you can't shake the feeling of jealousy in your bones.

When you look away from him, Gaara's team is there tending to him. Kankuro looks all beat up and bloody. Tenten's handiwork, you guess. She really did delay him for you. Still, he picks Gaara up with Temari's help.

They take him away and you don't say anything to stop them. Instead, you stare at Naruto. He's got blood in his hair and dirt on his face again.

And he loves you. And you him. He's one of your loved ones. Him and Sakura both but... there's a difference.

**/**

The Sandaime is dead. Orochimaru killed him.

The day of his funeral, it rains endlessly. You stand in the rain for the entire service with all your fellow shinobi. You listen listlessly to the eulogy. It's your first funeral since the massacre. There had been so many bodies that day. All cremated to protect your kekkei genkai. You hadn't shaken the smell of their blood in the streets for months afterwards.

When the funeral is over, the three of you eat Ichiraku Ramen in silence.

**/**

A few days later, you swear to god you see your brother in the village. When you look closer, whoever it was is gone.

**/**

After that, you find yourself at Sakura's house. You've only been here once before. It had been a few weeks after you were put on Team 7. Kakashi-sensei had wanted to get to know you guys through some team bonding exercise, which you were pretty sure meant he had been hungover.

It was a nice house in a civilian district. You hadn't known her family was civilian before that. You'd assumed they were just an insignificant clan or something to that effect.

She'd tried to hide them but you caught a glimpse of her parents, just enough to know she got that ridiculous pink hair from her father. Then Sakura slammed the door right in their faces. You weren't sure if she was trying to spare two orphans from seeing a happy, loving family or if she was being selfish again.

This time, neither of them are home when you knock at her door.

"Coming!" She calls from inside. She's in what looks like sweats when she opens up. Her hair is tied up haphazardly and she looks kind of grimy. "Oh," she says dumbly, "hi."

"Hi," you say back awkwardly. You hadn't really thought this through.

"... Do you wanna come in? I'm doing, um, my chores but we can talk," she offers.

You don't know what compels you to do it but you enter her house. She insists on feeding you so you let her, but it turns out Sakura is a horrible cook. You've never been very polite so you spit it out and tell her to her face.

"Wha — shut the fuck up!" She shouts.

You can't help it — you laugh right in her face. You think you remember her saying something like "goddamn" when you wouldn't forfeit during the preliminaries but you've never heard her honest to god swear like that. Let alone at _you_.

She fumes even more at your laughter. "What's so funny, you jerk?"

"Jesus, you really don't like me anymore, do you?" You ask.

"Oh, god, you're bringing that up? Listen, I —"

"Don't explain. That would make this weird. I just... I like this side of you," you admit.

She backs away from you. "... You don't like me or anything, right?" She whispers, mortified.

You laugh even harder at that. You don't know what makes this so goddamn funny, really. Or maybe you do but you just can't name it. "No! God, Sakura, no, I don't like you like that. I mean that you're my friend," you say, "and I like when you're honest with me. Like how you are with Naruto." Saying his name feels like an omen here.

It must feel like it to her too. She shrinks into herself at the mention.

This is something you've been afraid of. That she — that they — are they together behind your back or something? Do they want to be together? You don't want that. You don't want this dynamic you all have to change to accomodate that.

You come right out and ask it, "do you like him?"

Her face turns a violent red. It clashes with her hair in a kind of ugly way, like how her eye did when it was swollen red. You're trying to see what Naruto sees in her right now. He says she's pretty and you guess the only time you've ever really thought she was ugly was when her eye was swollen shut. She's loud and smart and as much as she tries to hide it, competitive and angry too. Her voice comes out shrill when she speaks next and you really don't get it now, "what!?"

You try not to scowl at her. "I said: do you like him?"

"Like him? I mean... he's my friend. You guys are my friends. Of course I like him. Do I —" something registers in her face. "Do you think I have a crush on him?"

You glower and refuse to confirm or deny.

She clutches her hands to her chest, "Sasuke, I... I think I'm..." She changes her mind at the last moment and shakes her head violently, "I love you both very much."

That doesn't answer your question.

"... You two are important to me," you admit anyway. You'd told Naruto already. It was only fair you tell her now. "But you're still a shitty cook."

She punches you square in the shoulder for that. It hurts more than you expected.

"So you're really enhancing your punches with chakra now?" You ask.

She nods happily. "Yeah! I figured that if I push chakra there then release it in bursts when I make contact, it'll really do some damage! I figured it out when we got home from Wave, actually. I just - I felt so shitty about not doing anything on that mission, I wanted to get stronger."

"That makes sense. You know, I could help you train," you offer.

She lights up and starts babbling about all the techniques she's been reading about. You're staring at her, marveling at what an absolute geek she is, and you think that even if Naruto is stronger than you right now, everything might be okay after all. Because you're more than a team.

**/**

Everything is not okay.

You go to visit Kakashi-sensei only to find him unconscious and surrounded by jounin. You ask what happened and nobody will answer you. They're all just looking at each other nervously and it's kind of pissing you off.

Then s ome idiot bursts in yelling, "is it true that Itachi has really come back? And that he's chasing Naruto?"

You could throw up then and there. You won't let your brother lay a fucking hand on Naruto. Like that, you're out the door. You go to Ichiraku Ramen first and Naruto isn't there.

"Old man! Where's Naruto?" You demand.

"Uhh, let's see... he ate here with Jiraiya-sama earlier and then... he said he was going to leave town for a little. Down the cattle road to that hotel-town, I think. I'm not totally sure," he says.

"Jiraiya!?"

"The sannin's Jiraiya-sama," the old man corrects you, "he's got big white hair, don't you know him?"

You bolt. All you can think the whole time is Naruto is going to die. Your brother is going to take another person you love away. You can't let him. You have to be stronger this time.

When you get to the hotel-town, you ask every inn keeper about a big, white-haired old man and a stupid-faced blonde guy your age until one of them says that sounds familiar. He gives you the room number and you run to it.

It's not Naruto.

You run to the next hotel. You have to get to Naruto first. You have to save him.

When you finally find him, you're too late.

(You were eight and you adored him with everything you are.)

Itachi is there with some shark-looking bastard. He's not what you expected after all these years. He's tall and casual like he didn't slaughter your whole clan and make you watch it in that horrible genjutsu. Like he's not the monster you know he is. You hate him with your entire being.

(You were eight and you wanted him to spend time with you.)

"It's been awhile, Sasuke," he says coolly.

(You were eight and you just wanted to surpass your big brother.)

"Uchiha Itachi," you growl. You're not aware of when you activated your Sharingan, you just know that it's active now and you see everything you need to, "I will kill you."

(You were eight and he ruined your fucking life in a single night.)

"Hey, you seem awfully familiar with Itachi, boy," the shark-looking man hums, "who is this guy?" Your blood boils at the realization that Itachi has the fucking audacity to not admit his sins to his partner.

(You were eight and he made you relive that night over and over again for what felt like years.)

"My little brother," Itachi sighs.

(You were eight and he severed that brotherhood when he sliced your parents open.)

"_What_? I heard you wiped out the entire Uchiha clan!"

(You were eight and you were lying on the floor in their blood. He said, "they were just a measuring stick to test myself.")

Ox, rabbit, monkey.

(You were eight and you ran from that horrible room and begged him to let you live because you were scared to die.)

"I've lived hating you and I've lived only to kill you! I have lived for this!" You drag your chidori across the walls, destroying everything that dares to be. It roars in your palm and you remember Kakashi-sensei telling you this was an assassination jutsu. This is absolution.

It isn't enough. He catches you by your wrist and holds it at bay as the chidori crackles and hisses helplessly. He looks you in the eye like he has the fucking right.

Naruto's chakra roars to life and Itachi tells you that you're in his way. He snaps your wrist like it's nothing. Then you're on the floor like you're nothing and all anyone can talk about is fucking Naruto.

(You're thirteen and you've lived your whole life for this only for it to be taken away from you like a pathetic toy.)

Jiraiya threatens to kill Itachi and you almost scream.

"Don't do it," you demand, picking yourself up from the floor, "this guy is _mine_!"

Itachi sighs again.

(You were eight and he tapped your forehead with a sigh. He lied and said, "next time." There was no next time.)

"I have absolutely no interest in you right now," he tells you flatly. And then he kicks you into the wall.

Naruto tries to charge him.

You scream his name. Then: "I told you not to! This fight is _mine_." You get back up again. Your wrist is on fire from the break and your body is almost shaking but you are going to kill this monster. **"COME ON!"**

He punches you swiftly in the stomach, just like when you were eight and stupid enough to charge at him head on. Then his hand is around your throat, squeezing tight enough to hurt but loose enough to keep you alive.

What the fuck have you been doing this whole time? Playing pretend with Naruto and Sakura. Wasting your time worrying about them instead of training.

The world goes black again. Just like that night.

"You're weak," Itachi says coldly, "You don't have enough hatred. For the next twenty-four hours, you will relive that day."

**/**

When you're finally free from that hell, Sakura and Naruto hug you. It feels empty. You've never felt so weak. The gap between you and Naruto is... it's so much bigger than you thought. And he's the one ahead of you. You grit your teeth.

Sakura offers you apples and before you know it, you've smacked the whole goddamn tray away. You feel her eyes on you for a long moment. "Sasuke, what the hell are you doing?" She asks, her voice even.

You don't even look at her. All you can look at is Naruto. Just standing there like he doesn't know how he humiliated you.

"Hey, Naruto," you murmur, "fight me. Now."

"Huh? But you're still recovering and stuff, 'ttebayo." He's a goddamn moron.

Your Sharingan flares up. "Shut up and fight me!"

He stares at you stupidly.

"You thought you helped me? That stupid Godaime or whatever, butting into other people's business..."

"What!?" You've got his attention now.

(You were thirteen and bursting at the seams. All Itachi could do was look at Naruto. He had no interest in you.)

"Sasuke, you need to calm down! Naruto, tell him!" Sakura's voice is getting desperate. She needs to mind her goddamn business just like the fucking Godaime.

Naruto doesn't listen to her. "I've been thinking we should fight too!"

Sakura tries to interject again but you take him up to the roof where you'll have room for this. You step in her goddamn apples on your way out. She chases after you.

You barely know what you're saying to Naruto or what he's saying to you except that it's making you even more pissed off. Then he has the audacity to tell you to put your fucking hitai-ate on.

"I don't need that," you snarl, "you won't even lay a finger on me, let alone my forehead."

"No! I'm saying that it's a symbol that we're fighting as equals!" He screams.

"You're so fucking full of yourself! You think you're on par with me!?" You know that he's stronger than you and it makes you want to beat him to a pulp. You need to be strong enough for Itachi. You can't let yourself fall any farther behind this loser.

Naruto growls at you. "Of course I do! In fact, I've never once thought of myself as inferior to you!"

You see red and the two of you are screaming each other's names as you lunge at each other. Untalented loser that he is, he uses the kage bunshin again.

"Get a new jutsu," you laugh at him, meeting each bunshin with full force until they've kicked you midair. You spit fire from your tongue to burn them all down. The smoke clears and there are two Narutos left with chakra swirling in their hands. Whatever that thing is, it looks lethal. You don't even think before you do it.

Ox, rabbit, monkey.

There's more lighting than you've ever summoned this time. It's a goddamn storm in the palm of your hand.

Sakura is screaming for you to stop.

You don't listen.

"Both of you, stand down!" She screams as she throws herself between you.

It's too late to take it back but Sakura is right there where your chidori will be in a matter of seconds. If she doesn't move, she'll die. If she doesn't move, she'll die. She's not going to move.

(You were eight and there were corpses lining the streets. You were eight and all you could smell was their blood.)

"Move, Sakura!" It comes out rough and hoarse and afraid.

(You were eight and everyone you had ever loved was dead. You were eight and Itachi made you watch their deaths on repeat.)

In the back of your head, you register Naruto screaming too and you wonder if either of you are prepared to deal with what happens if Sakura doesn't move. She's not going to move.

(You were eight and the sight of your father's lifeless eyes made you want to throw up everything you'd ever eaten.)

The Sharingan remembers everything it ever sees. You don't want to remember Sakura with your hand through a cavity in her chest. You're too angry to turn it off so instead, you close your eyes. You can't see the carnage to come.

(You were eight and you saw more than some shinobi see in their entire career. You were eight. You were eight. You were eight.)

Nobody barges in at the last minute to guide your hand away from her. Flesh and guts don't feel the way you thought they would.

(You are thirteen and you just killed your best friend. You are thirteen and you wanted to be stronger but not like this.)

When you open your eyes, you're up to your wrist in tree bark. The wood is splintered and littered with fractal burning and Sakura is not there. Pink petal have fallen to your feet. _Sakuras_, you recognize faintly. Ironically almost.

"Sakura-chan!" Naruto screams on the other side, "shit, Sasuke, where'd she go? What the hell happened? Is she okay? What's this goddamn tree doing here!?"

You rip your hand out from it. The bark scrapes at your skin viciously as you do. Then, through the crack, you see her. Her hands are clasped over her moving chest. She's breathing. She's unconscious but she's _alive_. Relief flushes through you for a moment. And then you realize what this is.

"What the hell were you two thinking?" Kakashi-sensei demands. You're too busy glaring holes into the tree that's sprouted to life on this goddamn roof to look at him. "You could have killed each other. You could have killed Sakura. If she hadn't —"

"If she hadn't used wood release," you seethe.

**/**

Kakashi-sensei talks to you about what happened on the rooftop. He tells you that everyone he loves is dead too. He tells you that you're both lucky because you've found people to love again. You remember Naruto's stupid smile as Sakura drooled on his chest in the Forest of Death and your heart aches.

Then you remember Itachi telling you you're in his way because he's here to abduct Naruto for whatever gang of goddamn criminals he's joined.

Before you have time to really think about it, you're being dragged up to see Sakura in the hospital. There's huge parts of the hospital that are blocked off from where the sakura tree had grown through it and Sakura's room is one of the only ones that is still open.

"Chakra exhaustion," the Godaime had diagnosed, "from using the wood release."

You know they ordered a DNA test to see if she's a Senju. They thought the Senju were all dead except for Tsunade. If Sakura isn't her long-lost relative, then nobody knows how she can use the wood release. You thought she was nothing special. You didn't think you had to be jealous of her power too.

Sakura's parents are civilians. She lives in a civilian district where she comes home to do civilian chores like sweep and dust the house for her boring, civilian parents. She is perfectly fucking normal in every way and there is no way she deserves to have something as revered as wood release.

Naruto looks guilty at her bedside when you enter the room. You can't stand to look at him. Or her.

When she finally wakes up, he hugs her.

You leave.

(You're thirteen and you feel guilty too but you don't know how to talk to them. You're thirteen and you think they make you weak.)

**/**

You're walking home from the hospital when Orochimaru's fucking lackies have the audacity to get in your way.

You tell them to get lost. They beat you to a fucking pulp.

"If you want to get stronger, come with us."

**/**

You pack your bag that night. You pick up the framed picture of Team 7 that you hated taking and you stare at it. There's not a speck of dust on it. You sleep with it by your bed every night because it makes this compound feel so much less empty to have some semblence of them here with you.

You don't cry when you put it back face down.

**/**

At the edge of the village, you aren't alone. Sakura sits on the bench there like she's been waiting for you for hours maybe. She's still in her hospital clothes.

"Sasuke," she says your name sadly.

"It's late," you tell her, "were you even released from the hospital?"

She gets up. "Everyone who leaves the village has to go this way," she murmurs.

You walk right past her because you don't know what will happen if you stop. You can't know what will happen or what she'll say to you. You love her. You love Naruto. You even love Kakashi-sensei.

Love isn't enough. You'll survive on your hatred.

"This was where I realized I needed to be nicer to Naruto," she says softly, "it was after you told me how awful I was being. Saying bad things about him because he... he didn't have a family. Do you remember that?"

You remember telling her how annoying she was. You remember being angry she could say that kind of thing. You remember reminding yourself of that conversation any time she did something tolerable for a month. You lie and tell her you don't.

"That's okay. It was a long time ago, y'know! But that was the start of our team. Ever since then, we've spent so much time together. Too much, really! Remember the four of us under the stars that first night... on our first C-rank mission? I didn't sleep at all that night. I was too excited to be out of the village. Naruto kept rolling over us both. Kakashi-sensei had to restrain him so he'd stop. That was the first time I thought of us all as friends," she's rambling now and her voice is so full of nostalgia that it hurts.

You remember shoving Naruto off of you and onto Sakura to crush her ribs for a change. You don't tell her that.

"I don't think you thought of me as a friend until I got over that stupid crush," she laughs, "that's okay though. We got there! We're friends now, Sasuke. I... I think of you as one of my best friends."

When you thought you killed her, you were so scared you'd open your eyes to the Mangkeyō because she was your best friend too. You don't tell her that.

"I know that things are hard for you right now... I know that you think you have to do this all alone, but I swear you don't. Okay? Please believe me, Naruto, Kakashi-sensei, and I, we're all here for you! We can help you get stronger and we can help you get revenge too!"

You've thought about it. Naruto could break down any barrier you need him to. Kakashi-sensei could cover you. Sakura could learn medical ninjutsu to heal you all too. If you needed more than just hatred, the four of you could stay a team and they could help you kill Itachi. You don't tell her that.

"I know that nothing can ever replace your family," she whispers this part, "but — but ever since the Chūnin Exams, I feel like we've become a family in our own way... haven't we?"

Your breath hitches. She hears it and she clings to it.

"Sasuke, I — I think of you as a _brother_!"

(You were eight and your brother made it so that he was the family you had left. You were eight and you hated him for that.)

Your Sharingan flares up again and finally, you turn to face her. "You have no idea what it is to have a brother," you snarl.

Sakura is crying.

The first time you ever saw her, she was crying.

She had looked so weepy, crying into her knees as Ino comforted her. Her eyes were really puffy and her nose was dripping with snot. You remember thinking she was an ugly crier. She's still an ugly crier.

This might be the last time you ever see her. You're going to remember it forever.

When was the last time you saw Naruto? When he was hugging her in the hospital? You want to remember him too.

You're turning back around to force yourself to leave instead of dwelling on the past when you hear her charging at you. You turn around angrily and catch her by the wrist. She punches you with the other hand and you feel your cheek start to bruise.

"Goddamn it, Sakura," you grab both her wrists, "I don't want to fight you."

She kicks you in the stomach and you stumble back angrily. You look at her again to see she's got a kunai drawn. This is getting ridiculous. She knows she's not strong enough to take you.

She lunges anyway. This time you move to pin her.

Her hands clasp together and a tree splits the ground open. It knocks you down hard. You hear her body thud against the stone too. Chakra exhaustion again. She never had as much as you and Naruto. Definitely not enough for more than one use of wood release a day.

"How the hell," you grit as you get back to your feet, "does someone like you have that kekkei genkai!?" A sakura petal falls into your hair. You don't pull it out. Instead, you walk over to where she's half-conscious on the ground.

She blinks hazily at you. "... Don't know," she mumbles, "don't... don't go..."

You try to see why Naruto thinks she's so pretty again but she looks so fucking miserable there. You try to imagine a different life, where she came to tell you she was in love with you and would even help you restore your clan. You try to make this less painful but you can't. Sakura is your friend and she's crying and you can't leave her on the ground like this. You pick her up in your arms and she sniffles.

"Please," she chokes out, "think... of Naruto... and Kaka-sensei... all alone... we need you."

You close your eyes and count to three. When you open them, your Sharingan is deactivated. You don't want to remember any more of this night.

"Sas... love you..."

Gently, you put her on the bench. You feel so much colder afterwards.

For some reason, you can't leave yet. Her eyes are still fluttering open and closed. She's still mouthing words you only half hear. Your whole chest aches but you've already made up your mind. You have to do this for your clan. If you stay, you'll never be strong enough to kill Itachi.

"Sakura, thank you... I..." the words get stuck in your throat. You can't say it if you're severing your bonds with them, "you're okay." It hurts as you say it. It might hurt forever.

Your eyes burn as you cross the village border.

**/**

If leaving Sakura on that bench was hard, leaving Naruto in the Valley of the End is impossible.

You let yourself cry as the rain washes all your blood away. You carve a scratch into your hitai-ate and leave it for him to find. You don't kill him. You can't kill him.

Leaving Team 7 — leaving _Naruto_ feels like tearing your soul in two. That doesn't stop you.

* * *

**A/N:** first of all: i said tenten rights god i love little details

second of all: the prelim fights were like. sasuke vs kiba, temari vs choji temari won, tenten vs dosu, neji vs hinata, sakura vs ino, naruto vs shino, kankuro vs zaku, shikamaru vs kin, and gaara vs lee if were wondering

lastly: i almost cried writing this like 5 different times! why would i do that to myself i am so sorry


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